Familiar Doesn’t Mean Safe

Could what draws you to someone have something to do with what you learned long before you met them?

At first glance, the image above feels warm, colorful, intimate, almost carefree. Two people smiling, looking into each other’s eyes. There’s clearly a spark. But look again. They’re connected, yet seeing each other from completely different directions. Isn’t that interesting? Something can feel beautiful, exciting and connected… while something underneath may be inviting us to look at it from another perspective.

It all starts with an internal feeling. You meet someone, and there’s an immediate spark. Something about him draws you in—the attention, the intensity, the way he smiles and looks at you. You can’t quite explain it, but something within you feels connected. You call it chemistry. Attraction. Infatuation. But have you ever stopped to wonder, why this person? Why can you meet ten perfectly wonderful people and feel nothing, then meet one and suddenly—there it is?

I started asking myself that question years ago. I arrived at a boyfriend’s house fifteen minutes early. As I walked toward the house, I saw a woman coming out. They kissed goodbye while he stood there in his robe. He saw me—and started yelling. Why was I fifteen minutes early? Within moments, I was no longer asking about the woman. I was red-faced, nervous and explaining myself.

Later, when I became curious about my own reaction, something struck me. I knew that feeling. Not the boyfriend. Not the woman. Not that particular situation. The feeling.

I grew up with rules and discipline, and I believe in discipline even today. But I was also a free-spirited little girl who loved to play, imagine and express herself. Sometimes that spontaneity brought consequences—even punishment. I learned to read the room, listen to the tone of a voice, know when to speak and when to retreat. And when someone was angry, I learned to look at myself first: What did I do wrong?

Years later, there I was again. Different person. Different circumstances. Same familiar feeling.

That’s when I began wondering: What if sometimes the person we’re drawn to Evokes something within us that feels strangely familiar—something we learned, felt or experienced long before we ever met them? Not consciously, of course. You’re certainly not thinking, I’d like to find someone who makes me question myself. But perhaps something about the emotional rhythm feels recognizable—the intensity, the need to please, the uncertainty, the wonderful feeling when affection follows tension, or even the feeling that you need to earn someone’s love.

Could something feel “right” simply because you’ve felt it before? Familiar doesn’t necessarily mean safe. Familiar means recognizable.

So try something with me. Think about someone you are—or once were—intensely drawn to. For just a moment, forget about him and remember you. How did you feel around him? Were you calm, playful, spontaneous and completely yourself? Or did you slowly begin trying to please him, win his approval or avoid disappointing him? Could you disagree without being ridiculed? Could you change your mind without a sarcastic comeback? When his mood changed, did you immediately wonder what you had said or done?

Now go back a little further. When or what other time have you felt that feeling before? Not necessarily with another partner. Maybe at home. At school. With a parent, grandparent, sibling, teacher or someone you loved whose approval mattered deeply. Were you the child who kept everyone happy? Who knew when to stay quiet? Who worked hard for praise? Who felt responsible when someone else was upset? Who could easily stand up for everyone else but had difficulty standing up for herself?

No need to judge what comes up. Just notice it. This isn’t about blaming your childhood, your parents or yourself. And it certainly doesn’t excuse another person’s harmful behavior. It’s simply about becoming aware and curious about your own patterns.

I often say, “Healing begins the moment you choose to become more curious than critical.” And perhaps curiosity begins with one question: “Does this feel familiar… or do I truly feel loved?”

You don’t need to know the answer immediately. Sometimes simply recognizing a pattern changes the way you see it. And sometimes you can recognize it and still wonder, Why do I stay? Why do I go back? Why do I keep finding myself in the same kind of cycles or relationships? Why can’t I find my way out?

I understand that too. I am not writing this only as a clinical hypnotherapist or as someone who has worked with women experiencing domestic violence. I write it as a woman who had to look back at her own life's patterns and ask, Where have I felt this before? I’ve been there.

Sometimes the answer comes easily. Recognizing the memory, the energy, the feeling, and suddenly the pattern makes sense. Other times, you know something keeps repeating but you simply cannot find where it began.

This is where hypnotherapy can help. Not by telling you what happened or putting answers into your mind, but by helping you quiet the conscious chatter and become more aware of memories, emotions, beliefs and associations that may be connected to the pattern you’re experiencing today.

Sometimes the mind has forgotten the details, but the body and feeling are still familiar.

And when we uncover the root of the feelings and when they started, we can become curious about what was learned then, what is still being carried now, and what you want to choose differently moving forward.

That is the heart of The 3E Method™: we Evoke what was, Embrace what is, and Evolve to what will be.‍